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THE GUIDE TO STRONG BOUNDARIES

Written by Freelancing Writer and Editor : Olayinka Sodiq

People often ask what boundaries in relationships are like, what they are, how to maintain and build them, how important they are and do they help that much. Strong personal boundaries do not cure all your relationship woes; as a matter of fact, they are more of a side effect to a generally low level of neediness with people around and having a healthy self-esteem. Personal Boundaries work both ways in relationships: they are created by people with emotional health, you can start working on your boundaries today with people around you and a difference in your self-esteem, emotional stability, and confidence would be vivid.

ISSUES WITH BOUNDARIES IN RELATIONSHIPS

  • Do you feel like people use your emotion for their own gain or your emotions being taken advantage of?
  • Do you feel like you’re always fixing and saving people from their problems?
  • Do you find fighting and debating pointlessly regularly?
  • Do you find yourself attracted or invested in another person than you should be considering how long you have known them?
  • Do you go through break-ups, reunions or horrible moments frequently in your relationship?
  • Do you find yourself defending yourself on things you are responsible for?

If your answer to any of those questions is yes, then you have poor boundary standards which need to be improved

WHAT ARE PERSONAL BOUNDARIES?

Not taking responsibility for the actions of other people but your own, that’s a healthy personal boundary. Poor boundaries in people come in two flavours: people who take much responsibility for others emotions or actions and people who expect their responsibilities or actions be taken by others.  Interestingly, people with such traits often end up in a relationship together. Poor boundaries examples are:

  • “You know how jealous I am; do not go out without e but your friends. You need to stay with me at home.”
  • “Sorry guys, my girl gets really angry when I go out with the boys without her.”
  •  “My mother would never forgive me if I take a job far away from home.”

In each example, the person is demanding that someone else take responsibility for their actions or either taking responsibility for actions that are not theirs.

LACK OF BOUNDARIES causes A VICIOUS CYCLE

Savers and Victims often get emotionally high on one another. It’s more like an addiction to one another, and while with emotionally healthy people, they feel a lack of “chemistry and get bored.” Victims are the anxious type, and savers are the avoidant type. Victims do not hold themselves accountable for their emotions unlike others; they play the blame game.  While savers never stop fixing other people’s problems, they try to make everyone satisfied and happy, they feel valued in solving other people’s problems.

A FINAL NOTE ON SACRIFICE AND BOUNDARIES

The biggest rationalization or counter-argument in people’s perspective is that you have to make sacrifices’ for the people you love. But the catch is that making sacrifices for people you care about needs to be because you want to, not because you fear the consequences of not doing it or feel obligated.  It is difficult to realize doing things out of voluntary sacrifice or perceived obligation: ask yourself, “How would the relationship change if I stopped doing this?” it’s a bad sign if you are afraid of changes.

People with strong boundaries understand that it is not reasonable to expect two people to accommodate and fulfil each other need 100%. People with strong boundaries understands that people’s feeling can be hurt sometimes and cannot determine how people feel.

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